When Words Just Mean So Much

I wasn’t planning on blogging about anything today, but  things happened, and the only way for me to immortalize them is to write about the happenings on this blog. Amazing how things happen just like that.

So today, I logged-in the chat website I use to meet my languages buddies after a good month. I was able to talk to a number of people — native speakers, fellow language learners and time-passers. I added a couple on Skype and QQ, something I haven’t done in a really long time, so it was such a great feeling to be able to do one of the things I genuinely enjoy doing.

One in particular was Veronica from China, who is a few years older than me. We were an instant click — the moment I found out that we shared a favorite song of Xu Song, I knew we would get along. She even mentioned that our chat was 缘分 (fate), and I believe it was. We had so many things in common, and she was able to relate to practically everything I said and mentioned, even if our topic of interest was something as shallow as the new blonde hair of Jay Chou.

Because I felt extremely comfortable talking to her, I asked for her help regarding Chinese. And it wasn’t just about anything, it was regarding the letter I had with me for the past seven months, the letter I never knew what was contained in it.

I asked for her help in helping me know what this letter meant, the letter I posted on my past blog post, the letter that remained a mystery. I promised myself that I would never bother to know what was written here, only because of the reason for this handwritten letter to motivate me to learn Chinese, and that I would be dependent on my own “skills” to be able to know what this letter means.

But I don’t know, seven months have passed but I can’t seem to wait for forever to be able to know what’s written.

Maita:

“If you have a friend afar who knows your heart, distance cannot keep you two apart.” I’m really happy to know you. Thank you for your constant enthusiastic help for me. I hope we can communicate more, learn from each other, help each other,  and make common progress.

May all go well with you.

-Liam
2012.04.21

As I finished reading, I couldn’t describe how I exactly felt. Nobody may believe this shallowness, but tears were gushing down my cheeks. I caught myself saying endless “aww’s”. I was just touched with the words written in this creased paper. I couldn’t believe I actually blinded myself from this all these months. I didn’t know how much meaning there was to this; how grateful and appreciative my friend was.

The first thing I did as I sniffed my tears was to check if that person was online on my list, but he wasn’t. I checked my message manager, and it was only then I realized that we never talked anymore. Our last conversation was in August, and that was it. A word was never heard from him ever again. That day was a few days before my misery started — the day I didn’t even think twice of having no life online, but that’s another story. Because of how pathetic I was, and still am, I decided to sort of put a period to my online life. I blamed the internet for the terrible performance I exerted during my exams that time. I considered my online friends a distraction, which is why I opted to never go online on Skype and QQ again, but if I would, I would be invisible. I realized how my selfishness and the way I tried to help myself academically put a lot of my friendships in vain, like with this. Although I can say that my grades improved so much when I did all this, all I can say is that: it all wasn’t worth it. I slowly drifted away from friends on the internet, and I can name a bunch of them who I know feel this too. What used to be fun-filled conversations led to awkward and soon, non-existent ones.

Now, nothing but the feeling of regret creeps in me, hoping I didn’t become too dramatic to end up like this.

Nobody knows how I feel, and until now, I’m still crying because of emotions I can’t describe. I miss all the friends I left, whose messages I ignored, whose calls I declined… all the friendships I can never take back.

I’m thankful for Veronica translating it, but if everything remained to be unknown, I wouldn’t be feeling any of this now.

I miss my conversations with Liam, he was the da ge  I never had.

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